Just Say Om

OM.
The sound of the universe. The breathing in and out of everything around me.
The sound I hear when I'm still enough to hear it.
Sounds blending into and out of each other, like a conductor-less orchestra.
The glue that holds everything together.
The tinkling of the stars as they turn on their axes.
The sound I hear before falling into a deep sleep.

Healing, restful, lulls me into a state of peace, when I allow it.

Believe. Winter Stillness.

I love winter. One of my favorite winter memories is being bundled up as a young kid after newly fallen snow, and my mom taking photos of me, playing, walking, picking holly berries.I remember feeling how everything looked so new and white.

That's why I love winter. Everything can be new again. Old ways are dieing, trees have lost their leaves and life is sleeping, waiting to wake up and start all  over again.

On New Year's Day, our threesome hiked up the Billy Goat Trail at Great Falls. Lucy was perched on  her papa's back as he climbed the rocky hills like a ram. I followed nervously behind, voicing my fears, "Are you sure you can do this?" Pasha kept reassuring me, and sure enough, with each step as we climbed higher, my fears melted and my spirits lifted. I was able to listen to myself breathing as the brisk climb warmed my legs and brought fresh oxygen into my lungs.

My thoughts became clear.  

 I was able to understand where a lot of my fears come from.  Most of them about future things, like what kind of school will be right for Lucy, or  will-I-ever-have-a-sustainable-career-that-I-love? I slowly realized these fears aren't real. That I can have faith in so much more, in my own innate abilities.

We came back down from the hike feeling exhilarated. A calm sense of peace pervaded my senses. This New Year's Day I was clearer about what I believe in. I had not been sure if my decision to pull Lucy from daycare this month was right, but now I knew it was right. She was only going twice a week in the mornings, but those times were not mostly peaceful ones for me.  I would have to rely on my own supernatural powers as a mom. 

I am going to have to believe.

Finding stillness, peace, and faith on a new year's hike, while daring to scale higher heights. Yes, this may become a new tradition for my family.
 

First day of daycare

It's raining and I'm kind of suffocating in this small car with the windows cracked just a bit open.  I'm parked outside of Lucy's daycare, her first day without me. I cried a little when I peeked in the window to see her sitting cozily on her teacher's lap.

Just seeing her, so brave and strong, resilient. And to think I was worried she couldn't live without my boob.  I can learn something here. My little buddha princess is way ahead of me on the spiritual evolutionary scale. I just have to look at her, and she's there. In the flow, completely tapped into her innate bundle of joy.  She doesn't really need me meddling into her business, in her face.

Actually, my boob is kind of ready to burst about now. I think mom is going to have a hard time with weaning.

Hearts Popping

As Joy has been my intention lately, I've been noticing what I focus on. It all started one day when I was intentionally looking for hearts. I was seeing them pop up in the most unexpected places, it seemed everywhere. The long-lost heart-shaped stone found in the sandbox. On sidewalks, on graffiti walls. On my daughter's shoes and shirt. Even the clouds seemed to be floating by in a heart shaped dream, all purple and orange in the dusk sky. Seeing these hearts everywhere was magical. My own heart softened.

Now I notice my thoughts much more readily. 

I hear the judge a lot. I'm trying to have a conversation with the judge, find out where it's coming from. It seems to have helped me survive in the past, by separating things into what I like and what I don't like. Helped me manage things neatly.

But it's not working for me anymore. This judge just might turn into an angel if I want it to, if that's my intention.  Maybe I'll start seeing angels everywhere. Wouldn't that be neat?

Quiet Joy

August is a funny month. I usually dread the long, hot, mosquito-infested days, so much that sometimes I'd rather stay home than go out. Which can lead to idle thoughts, about what I should be doing, or some other craziness.  Also not good to stay at home too long if you're weaning.

But this month I've begun a journey, with the intention of bringing more joy into my life. And yes, I've discovered joy hiding in the most unexpected places.

Yesterday my daughter and I went food shopping. Afterwards I thought we could go to the park. She wanted to see the ducks. I was reluctant. What about all the meat and cheese in the car? But I decided to go with the flow. And see what would happen, if I tried not to force things, but just have an idea in the back of my mind. So I drove home to unnload the car quickly, and grabbed the camera. Off we went to the gardens!

As we meandered through the pathways, quiet joy filled my senses. I was lulled by the lazy droning of the bees, the fluttering butterflies. All going about doing their thing. I breathed in the heady scent of sweet blossoms everywhere. My daughter and I actually sat in a gazebo and snacked. Then she splashed in puddles. I watched the warm breeze blowing huge heart-shaped leaves nearby and dropped the container of cheese, all over the dirt. Oh well. That's what happens with a youngster tugging at your hand....laugh!

We look for frogs in fountains. We throw yellow-orange leaves into the pond. Dragonflies whir overhead, glittering blue metallic. Lucy's simple comments, "happy bird" and "feels good" as I carry her on my back heading back to the car, we feel a cool breeze against our sweaty skin.

Yes we saw the ducks, but felt so much more. I realized as we let ourselves be led by our senses and went further and further,  that everything was going to be all right. That's joy.

Showing up for practice

We all have our excuses. Maybe it's an injury. Maybe you had too much to drink last night and couldn't get out of bed.   But for fellow yoga teachers and moms, the reason for not practicing is mostly, "Not enough time." Either too busy teaching, or as a mom, having no time to yourself. I've been guilty of using these excuses excessively, being a yoga teacher and a mom (to an adorable perfect little munchkin).  So I've come up with a solution:  BOUNDARIES. For me, it's encouraging my almost two-year-old towards more independence.  You see, since her birth, we've been attached at the boob. Her favorite words are, "mama gi-gi (Korean for boob)" or "cho-cho gi-gi" (which is a combination of Russian and Korean, meaning, "little bit of boob".) She's gotten really good at whining now, especially for mama gi-gi. So I feel fully justified leaving the house to do yoga, which feels infinitely better anywhere else but home.  Don't get me wrong. I adore my chubby little monkey. She's the center of my world. But there comes a time when mom has to do her own thing. And the time is now.

I feel almost-transformed-like the moment my husband, Pasha,  comes home from work. Lucy knows the routine well. She kisses me good-bye and says, "Mama yoga".  I hop into the car, roll down the window  and drive down Connecticut Ave. against a setting sun, on my way to what I know will be a well-earned savasana.

My teacher David Life says that "the hardest part of practice is showing up." Yes, how true. But it can also be the most liberating. 

What keeps you from your practice?

Life is Hard, Yoga is Easy

My daughter Lucy is going through a phase.  Which is teaching me a lot about life. Since she started walking, she has officially become a “toddler”. Yet at 13 months, she’s still a baby to me. Life for her is hard - falling, bumping her head, getting up, wanting this, not getting it, crying.....she is learning about the world and how she fits in.  

A yoga teacher once said in class that  “life is hard and yoga is easy.” Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I heard it wrong and it’s supposed to be the other way around, that “life is easy and yoga is hard.”  In our world we get conflicting messages about living with ease yet working hard. My parents were always trying to tell me as I was growing up that life is hard.  But I refused  to believe them - ignorance was bliss. Now that I’m dealing with things like laundry, traffic and bills on a daily basis, I’ve begun to think, “gee, my parents were right!”  Yet we have so much to distract us, like TV, movies, food, drugs, shopping....the list of addictions is endless.  Life can be made a lot easier if you want it to.

And then there’s yoga. If one can be addicted to anything, yoga would be a good choice. Yes, one needs to be disciplined to practice yoga.  Right now all I can do somedays is sit in the car and breathe while Lucy naps blissfully. Whatever form our practice takes, whether it’s meditating, gardening, serving others, or going to yoga class, practicing with one's full attention and a devoted heart will keep you going, just like a toddler learning to walk, run and jump on two feet, navigating the world.  Never lose your enthusiasm. My teacher Sharon Gannon says that a yogi’s progress is measured by how happy they feel. And that spiritual people are always connected to the source.

Lucy is going through a phase, but once the turmoil has settled, I tell myself she is going to come out of it empowered and secure, believing in herself and that the world is a good place. Isn’t that what we all want? Isn’t that what yoga brings us?

“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm.” -Aldous Huxley